When Crummy, Cruddy, Cheesy and Crappy Compete

The last month has seen sev­eral truly remark­able things hap­pen to this blog: We turned into a group blog with two real con­trib­u­tors, and sev­eral imag­i­nary ones. Our fan fol­low­ing among phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal com­pa­nies seems to have increased, and like all deliri­ous new fans, they can’t seem to stop writ­ing to us. (We might trash your let­ters, ladies, but your affec­tion means a lot to us.)

We watched four hor­rid Tamil movies. While that in itself is not remark­able, what is remark­able is that we have refrained from review­ing any of them. Even this post is not a review per se. It is about cel­e­brat­ing the movies in ques­tion and reward­ing them for the things they did.

And so, with­out fur­ther ado, Ladies, Phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal Indus­try Rep­re­sen­ta­tives and other Gen­tle­men, here we go.

The Freak­ist Bird Flu-ke Award:

Kamna Jeth­malani, the lead girl in Idhaya Thiru­dan wants to send an anony­mous email to her mom. She types up the email — whose con­tents are the proud recip­i­ents of another award — but she can’t fig­ure out how to sign the email.

Unable to pick a ran­dom name, she picks up a pigeon hov­er­ing nearby and lays it gen­tly on top of the key­board. The pigeon walks back, then forth. Then forth again, and back once more. And then flies away, to leave the half dressed girl star­ing at the screen.

The pigeon had just keyed in T. Mahesh, which hap­pens to be the name of.. you guessed it, the hero of the movie. What an incred­i­bly clever way to move a story for­ward. Any­one out there who still thinks our moviemak­ers are unimaginative?

The Best Case Against Intel­li­gent Design Award:

A no brainer here. Kamna Jeth­malani, the lead girl in Idhaya Thiru­dan wants to piss her mom off. She thinks for an instant about her modul operandi, and then promptly takes her clothes off — at least all the clothes the cen­sors would let her take off. She then takes lewd pic­tures of her­self using a mobile phone, attaches the pic­tures to an email, uses a pigeon to sign the email and hits send.

Hon­orary men­tion: The two peo­ple who paid hard earned ring­gits to go watch Kalvanin Kad­hali.

The Inspired Act­ing Award:

Mad­ha­van, long haired lead man in Thambi puts in an inspired per­for­mance as the (trans­lated) Che Guev­era quot­ing left­ist rebel who beats peo­ple up to teach them the value of non violence.

Unfor­tu­nately, he chooses the wrong per­son to draw inspi­ra­tion from — Jyothika in Chan­dra­mukhi. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head and thrusts his face and yells his dia­logues and dances like a guy. Thank­fully, there was no Tel­ugu song play­ing in the back­ground or we wouldn’t have known the difference.

The “Gra­tu­itous Men­tion of Bet­ter Half in a Very Cool Con­text” Award:

To Renuka Menon, vil­lage belle in Kal­aba Kad­ha­lan, for going to an ice cream par­lor and ask­ing for Lavanya ice cream. Turns out she meant Vanilla, but couldn’t remem­ber the right name because she hap­pened to be a vil­lage belle. But still.

The Tom Cruise Award for Dumb Psychatrists:

To the Psy­chi­a­trist lady in Kal­aba Kad­ha­lan. The plot revolves around a girl falling for her sister’s hus­band. The hus­band tries his best to shoo her away, but she keeps singing steamy songs with him in her dreams. And finally, the exas­per­ated hus­band goes seeks help from the psy­chi­a­trist. Her suggestion?

“Such girls like force­ful men, so go talk to the moron who used to harass her in pub­lic in her native vil­lage. From what you say, I get the feel­ing he is madly in love with her. Ask him to come woo her. And ask him to be force­ful. That will fix her up good.”

The moron arrives, and then goes on to rape the girl.

The Blank Noise Awards for Bring­ing Har­rass­ment Out Into the Open:

S.J. Surya, for try­ing to look down an unsus­pect­ing Nayanthara’s dress in Kalvanin Kad­hali.

S.J.Surya, for going up to a guy who had just pinched his unsus­pect­ing girl­friend in public(the hap­less Nayan­thara again) and advis­ing him to use his “mouth” instead. A preg­nant pause later, he clar­i­fies that he meant for the guy to talk his way into a woman’s heart. Yeah right. To para­phrase Sein­feld (thanks Manoj), we are offended by how lame the joke was.

The mot­ley crew of actors in Kal­aba Kad­ha­lan, who ask a raped girl to “stop being dumb” and “not act like a stuck up bitch” and marry the guy who raped her. Extra spe­cial men­tion of the girl’s mom, who strikes the girl really hard and then cries for a long time, prob­a­bly because her hands hurt.

Hon­orary Award for the Sud­den Use of Shudh Tamil to Star­tle Some­one:

To hep, mod­ern Pooja, long haired Madhavan’s girl in Thambi.

She wins an award of some sort in the movie (not from a blog) and a friend con­grat­u­lates her:

Con­grat­u­la­tions!“

Pooja star­tles the poor girl with her response: A per­fectly artic­u­lated “Nan­dri.” The friend’s expres­sion was priceless.

One would do well to remem­ber that the movie was directed by a dude called See­man, who is a Tamil lover.

Another Hon­orary Award for the Con­sis­tent Use of Crude Tamil to Star­tle Every­one:

To Arya, Kal­aba Kadhalan’s lead man, suave soft­ware engi­neer, for switch­ing over to a dread­ful vari­a­tion of Madras Bashai when­ever he gets excited.

To Arya, Kal­aba Kadhalan’s lead man, for remain­ing excited through­out the movie.

The “I will give it to myself if you don’t” award:

To Jayam Ravi, pigeon­picked boyfriend of Kamna in Idhaya Thiru­dan. For steal­ing a tro­phy meant for the win­ners of a shoot­ing con­test, and then tak­ing the trou­ble to attach the tro­phy — all two feet of it — to his motor­cy­cle and not tak­ing it off till the very end of the movie.

The Most Osten­ta­tious Dis­play of Bib­lio­philia Award:

To Mani­van­nan in Thambi. For walk­ing around with a col­lec­tion of trans­lated leftie lit­er­a­ture in a dirty old bag. The books will later save his life.

The (Faith­fully Fol­low­ing a Fad) or (Boldly Invent­ing a Trend) Award:

To Igore, direc­tor of Kal­aba Kad­ha­lan for giv­ing him­self a Russ­ian name, and then adding an e to the end in a nod to numerol­ogy. We believe this was inspired by Myshkin, direc­tor of Chithi­ram Pesud­hadi who named him­self after a Russ­ian lit­er­ary character.

Unless Igore arrived at his name by remov­ing an N from Ignore, in which case, he gets the Boldly Invent­ing a Trend award. When you watch the next movie directed by Mron or Idot, you will know who their inspi­ra­tion was.

The Scene With the Most Edu­ca­tional Value Award:

Idhaya Thiru­dan (which would’ve swept the awards if not for a lit­tle cat­e­gory tweak­ing we did) takes this one by a mile.

So a guy and a girl find them­selves locked in a the­mepark called Snow World. True to its name, the theme park starts blow­ing in a lot of cold air to keep the snow from melt­ing. It gets colder and colder. The girl runs to the guy, hugs him real tight. Cut to song.

The next day, the girl tells the guy that her hug­ging him was purely to take advan­tage of the prin­ci­ples of Heat Trans­fer as stated in ref­er­ence books on Ther­mo­dy­nam­ics. Yes, that is exactly what she said.

We can go on in this vein, but we are bored. Not as bored as we were when we watched three of these movies over a sin­gle week­end, but that’s a mark that will likely not be beat any time soon.