Why too much TV is bad for you
Of late, there’s been a new topic to rant about in week-end calls with friends. Polygamy. At least 2 of my friends have watched the new HBO show, and well, so do I. There’ve only been about 2-3 episodes so far, and already I see a disturbing pattern emerging. My blood comes close to boiling when watching the show, and I relish making caustic remarks about it with friends, who in turn agree and come back with equally caustic responses. We swear we won’t watch it again. And the next week end, we’re having the same conversation all over again.
In this week’s episode, the question that my friends and I had anticipated, and which has fuming with indignation but also stuttering with nothing better than “But…but that’s not the same thing! At all!” finally came. If same-sex marriages are unions between consenting adults, doesn’t the same principle apply to polygamy? Let’s face it – it is the same thing. I just don’t happen to like it.
I almost miss the days in which the only thing on TV that made me feel this indignant was Chitthiiiiiiii (God, I used to hate that show!). It felt so easy to rant against media empires that gave away prime time slots to shows where wives were beaten up (remember Deepa Venkat!), ambitious women were portrayed as evil, to rave against women content creators who were so lost to greed that they only cared about making money (did I find male content creators who were as greedy to be equally offensive? No – But I was more sexist then.)…
I digress. To return to polygamy. Would I like it any better if the question were about polyandry, as opposed to polygamy? I doubt it. Because in both cases, the victims continue to be women[1]. And that’s the crux, really – my apparently unshakable conviction that in polygamy/andry, there are victims. Whereas that’s not how I feel about same-sex marriages. Big Love doesn’t make it easy for me to revise my opinions. Can’t help feeling that the men are smug. The women come across as needy (wife # 3), don’t-know-any-better (wife #2), or inscrutable (wife #1). It’s impossible for me to feel sorry for the husbands who’re under tremendous financial pressure to support multiple families, and get more than their fair share of wifely nagging. The minute I feel they must be regretting their lifestyle, along comes a bout of love-making that seems to make these men feel that the financial hassle’s worth the trouble. One fatso character actually believes that taking on wife #4 is his way of answering God’s calling. [2] Clearly, I have issues with the show.
Morality is a way to speed up decision-making. You don’t have to agonize over the pros and cons of a situation. You agree with some side because it is the “right” thing to do. It’s more efficient. In situations where morals fail or don’t apply, one can at least fall back on personal preferences:
- stealing: bad (moral reasons),
- killing: bad (ditto),
- cosmetic surgery (to get sexier looking lips / boobs / whatever): bad (surprisingly enough, moral reasons – I feel that you’re not dealing with the hand nature gave you - corrective surgery, OK - elective surgery NOT OK),
- smoking – bad (Here I leave morality and move into the realm of personal taste. I don’t like it myself, so I won’t do it. I vaguely think you’re foolish to do it, but I won’t hate you for it, or stop you from doing it, so long as you don’t blow smoke in my face),
- eating meat – distasteful (to me. You can eat whatever pleases you, so long as you don’t mess about with dead flesh in my kitchen), and so on and so forth.
I suspect I have strong “moral” beliefs about questions like stealing, killing etc. because these were instilled into me as a child (growing up with desi movies, for the longest time, I actually used to believe that the minute you commit a crime, you’d hear sirens blowing as the cops would be on their way. I must have been 12 or older before I figured out that in most cases the police really have no way of knowing the instant a crime is committed).
I’m sure my parents must have emanated a sense of “polygamy: not good” because I feel so very comfortable making that call. On the other hand, I am 100% certain there was no talk what so ever about same-sex marriages. (In all fairness we never even had the birds & the bees talk, so this topic had no chance at all. I was quite into science in those days, and they must’ve figured I’d get around to it sooner or later). And yet, I appear to have acquired strong “moral” beliefs, and unfortunately conflicting beliefs about both.
Here’s the thing about morals … They have this nasty habit of turning into umbrellas. Over-arching principles, which if they apply to situation A1 demand they be applied to situation A2 as well. With polygamy, I’m not sure what I’ll decide. I see three options before me:
- go down fighting,
- after a while bump the question from an ethical one to one of personal taste.
- stop taking stuff on TV personally. HBO wants to make money. I want to spend money. We’ve already struck a deal. Why sour the relationship with silly questions?
In the meanwhile, I’ll day-dream of situation A3 - nogamy - where people who wish to be left alone are left alone - by people of all sexes.
[1] I’m afraid I don’t recall specific evidence that I can use to back my claim. Regular readers of Kalpana Sharma will know what I mean. Or you could try watching Matrubhoomi. Yes, the latter’s fiction, but so is Big Love. All very apples to apples.
[2] My cattiness apart, the acting is really good. So far the show’s been interesting, and one hopes it will not soon run out of steam, even if carton-loads of Viagra continue to keep it steamy.
Update: When I say “polyandry as opposed to polygamy”, I mean “polyandry as opposed to polygyny”. Thanks to Sudha & Pete for catching that oversight.
Comments (10 comments)
polygyny is the term you wanna use, polygamy is generic covering all natures of marriage involving more than two entities. extremely infantile to point that out, just one of those irresistable urges. doz, how come lying didnt make tat list of yours? always held that people’s reaction on lying, extended to every other kind of deception .. and me speculate preference for no-gamy is largely induced by parents shushing a lot of issues till one is like about 21 and even after sometimes :). one can accept a spank, if felt necessary and yes, enjoy your words, thanks!
sudha / March 29th, 2006, 4:12 am / #
Good one, Doz. But I don’t agree with your statement that morality is a way to speed up decision making. I consider morals as guidelines for living in a society and that each one of us chooses which ones to follow and to what extent. There are some morals that are universal - such as killing is bad. But then there are some morals that are regional - such as drinking alcohol or eating meat. There is a significant difference (in my opinion) between the universal and regional ones. Having said that, I still have not made up my mind about polygamy (I don’t watch Big Love but have been reading about it).
Nithya / March 29th, 2006, 3:22 pm / #
Haven’t seen the show, but enjoyed your thoughts as I have posted today about some of my knee jerk reactions to this program.
–RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com
RC of strangeculture / March 29th, 2006, 6:45 pm / #
If you really delve into the religion behind polygamy (polygyny), you will find that it is very patriarchal. I’m speaking of Mormon fundamentalism. And even when the women are 18 or older, we can’t necessarily say that they are consenting adults because they are taught from birth that the only way to exaltation in heaven is to live the principal of plural marriage. It is mind control.
The young wife of the prophet in the series says something about obedience being the greatest freedom we have as women. They are actually taught this by their prophet and/or patriarchal husbands.
Then when it comes right down to it, the Mormon religion teaches that women won’t automatically reach exaltation in heaven, unless their husband calls them. So in the end, the final fate of any woman is up to her husband.
Polygamy is the opposite of what democracy stands for.
By the way, I do like the series. HBO is not afraid to address the darker side of polygamy and we all know that exists.
Jordan's grandma / March 29th, 2006, 7:19 pm / #
[...] The new HBO reality show about polygamy, Big Love, leads Doz to examine morals and their influence on our beliefs. [...]
DesiPundit » Of polygamy and same-sex marriages / March 29th, 2006, 10:26 pm / #
hmmm…I’m not sure I have any moral issues with polygamy - if anything, I’m more opposed to watching television!(I haven’t seen the show, obviously). It’s not something I personally would do - not because I think it’s wrong / unfair, but just because I remain unconvinced that being married to even one person is worth the hassle - being married to multiple people sounds about as much fun to me as climbing into a Bombay local during rush hour. But I don’t see anything wrong in it - provided all the parties involved are genuinely doing it because they want to.
And that’s the bit I’m sceptical about. Just given the amount of socialisation that goes into making sexual exclusivity / jealousy a salient value among most people (a ridiculous vestige of a parochial past, in my opinion) I find it hard to believe that everyone in a polygamous relationship is truly happy. It’s more likely, I think, that at least some people in the relationship feel like they’ve been forced into it or would prefer a more exclusive relationship. If that’s not true, if they all genuinely want it this way, then more power to them.
Falstaff / March 30th, 2006, 8:46 am / #
Interesting. I wonder if you’ve seen this review from the New York Times:
“The shocking thing about polygamy is not the sex, it’s the deference.”
More at http://tinyurl.com/rfy9w
Sibyl / March 30th, 2006, 8:57 am / #
Falstaff: I think my biggest problem with ploygamy is the inherent inequality between the partners - one person (be it male or female) gets more than the others. For this reason, I prefer your idea of a sabbathal (if I’ve spelt it right) to polygamy, although I have my doubts regarding its practicality. Human beings tend to be possessive creatures, and I’m not sure how the concept you propose will stand the test of petty and not so petty jealousies.
And yes, as you say, if all of the parties involved truly don’t mind sharing their partner (or in the case of polygamy, a spouse), then I suppose I’d feel it easier to not mind the idea so much. I still wouldn’t do it - because I don’t like sharing my books, let alone my spouse / partner. But I accept that just as there are people out there who genuinely enjoy sharing their ice-creams, their TV remotes or their books, so must there be others who don’t mind being as generous with other things.
Grandma: Agree with you. Polygamy as it is practised in India is equally patriarchal - although am ignorant about what religeous carrots are promised to the participants. I enjoy the show myself, after I got over the sputtering rage induced by the second episode, that is. It certainly raises a lot of provocative questions, and I’ll wait & watch if the creators continue to be daring.
Nithya, Sudha, Strangeculture: Thank you.
Desipundit: Thanks for the ref.
DoZ / March 30th, 2006, 2:26 pm / #
This idea has actually been published on another blog at:
http://www.janegalt.net/blog/archives/005733.html
and also on Slate :
http://www.slate.com/id/2138482/nav/tap1/
sibin / March 30th, 2006, 3:19 pm / #
the main distinction between polygamy/polyandry and same sex marriage is the question of consent. In a number of societies women’s “consent” to polygamy is contested.
Red / April 3rd, 2006, 10:34 am / #
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